Sinning in LA

In case you haven’t noticed already, things are pretty crazy lately at Chez Maximus. I’m not really allowed to go to our office much, mostly because I tend to bring liquor. You wouldn’t think it was necessarily a problem, pushing papers and tasting absinthe at the same time, but apparently it is.

However, on the other hand, I’m also the one who the liquor boxes show up for. And the sex toys. So people tend to show up now and then. Sometimes invited, sometimes not. And when your house contains carbon copies of your penis, as well as various other things that go buzz in the night, you really should find a place to hide them. And of course, the last thing that you have time to do, just as that perfect Massive Attack song comes on, is rummage through a drawer. Especially if said drawer is across the room, and you’re in the dark.

Luckily, this is a common problem.

And now there’s something to ward off thieves and looky-loos alike, and it’s called the ToiBocks.

It looks like a high-end jewelry box, but it has a secret compartment beneath the top drawer. And it uses a patented security system that we can’t discuss here, but it requires no keys and no combinations to get in.

You see, we might not have universal health care, but we’re one of the most powerful nations on Earth. You can surely bet we’d solve the crisis of where to hide your unmentionables. “And actually,” says creator Dawn Tulman, “ToiBocks is ideal for DVD’s and sex toys, but it is a completely mainstream product.  You can hide anything that will fit in there including those yummy chocolates that you don’t want to share!”

A use I hadn’t considered before, because my chocolates are on the counter where they regularly disappear. I may have to order three or four more of these things. And then the problem will be to figure out, in the dark, which ToiBocks contains the particular thing I’m hiding.

“I came up with the idea in 2002,” she said. “We incorporated in 2007 and shipped our first sales in September 2008.  It took a LONG time.  It was really hard to find the right people to help me make it a reality.”

This isn’t a cheap toy. It’s a luxury storage item, which means two things. The first is that it is going to look fantastic in your room, and second, that it will allow for some leeway with the items you’re pulling out of it. Coming from a strange drawer in the darkness, your RetroRocket 5000 might be denied, but coming from a fancy wooden box, it’s sure to get the permission to launch.

Also, it’s not easy to figure out how to open (although it is fairly simple to do so, once you know the secret). “I guess our best story revolves around receiving our proto-type from overseas,” said Dawn. “As it was a proto-type there was no packaging or instructions.  The factory owner sent some baseball cards inside the ToiBocks for my importer and when it got to customs here in the US they shook the ToiBocks so they knew something was in there.  The key was right in place and they could not even come close to figuring it out.  They tried taking a screwdriver and prying out the tray, but only succeeding in ruining my beautiful ‘for photography’ proto-type.  It was only after an x-ray and dog sniffing for drugs/explosives came up clean that they wrapped it in “We inspected your package” tape and sent it off to me.  It was an expensive lesson, but definitely worth sharing so we made marketing signs that ask “Are you smarter than a customs agent?”

I’m not about to say anything derogatory about customs agents, for they are the gatekeepers of the absinthe. Well, temporarily, until it reaches the warm hands of Mr. Chase Maximus.

But I’ll admit, even though I thought my ToiBocks had a lot of things in it, I can’t compare to Dawn. “I have a TON in mine - Luna Beads, 2 Screaming O rings, Onye, vibrating rabbit cock ring, OhMiBod, ClubVibe, Screaming O bullet, Nobessence Fling, Rock Chick, Evolved bottle rocket, nipple jewelry, chocolate body frosting, incense matches and a Swiss Army knife...”

I’m fairly competitive, however, and now that I know what this thing can hold, and that it’s safe inside, I’m off to build up the contents. Even if neither me, my girlfriend, nor anyone that I know has any use for nipple jewelry.

It is, after all, for work. And with such dedication, there may be a new face around the Sinning in LA offices very soon.

And a green fairy not far behind.